It's a wonderful life

I have been on the roller coaster of life for almost 62 years. Lately I have lost the will to remain upright. I have multiple lipomas, chronic pain and extreme fatigue, COPD, and bone spurs just to name a few. Sometimes I can walk and sometimes I limp. Fibromyalgia makes everything hurt. Muscles, soft tissue and even my bones ache and hurt. I have multiple medications. Two drugs are for depression which I will take for as long as I exist. Even with medication the pain is always there and will last as long as I exist as well. Always.

At the end of 2017 I had surgery on my neck and through no fault of my own I was unable to take my medications for several days and found myself once again slipping into the darkness. I have been on that ledge before due to miscarriages and self doubt in my journey through life. With counselling I was able to live life in a better state of mind. Even then I wondered what is my purpose? By then as a child myself I had saved a girl at camp. As the older me and at separate family reunions I also rescued my niece and nephew, and while on vacation my Mother and another child from drowning. Made friends, written poetry, played guitar enjoyed family gatherings, sang at fiddle contests with a friend. Sang solo in a pizza place and discovered I did not care for the spotlight to be directed on me. As a teenager I had hoped to be a disc jockey. Tragically that never happened but I have had music in my life for as long as I can remember. Our family played guitars and sang for the joy of it. I always want "to do" everything with joy.

Since my counselling sessions in my mid twenties my husband and I became foster parents in the hopes of adopting. God said no to that also. The joy? We had one biological son that was a good egg. We are so very proud of the man and father he came to be. His son and daughter are doing well and we are also proud of them. They live about three hours thirty minutes away so we don't see them as often as we might. The joy? They found a church where all are welcome. As they serve the church and their community they are also comforted and nurtured. We attend their church when we are able and I have wanted to join. We have attended so often a couple of the congregation sent me flowers and well wishes after my neck surgery. It is a real church family.

Due to chronic health issues I will retire this year. Because of my health issues my husband will continue to work for health insurance coverage for both of us. While I feel some guilt mixed with relief I have yet to find the joy in this upcoming event. I am grateful to have him sacrifice for me but it limits what we can do together. I haven't yet determined what good I can do after retirement. My days are such that I never know what level of energy and mobility if any I may have or what level of pain to expect so whatever I might do will be spontaneous at best.

So where or what is the thing that gets me to the other side? How long will this life be? I must be wandering instead of following the path of my destiny. With age I have learned to be more patient. Maybe my earthly purpose will be revealed soon.

I am tired.

Ready but still waiting.

Time's up!

I am listening to a pastor who is defending Robert Moore. Men just don't get it! And apparently a pastor doesn't notice either. Wouldn't it be true that even from childhood you were instructed, encouraged, bribed and whatever else it took to be on your best behavior at church and especially anywhere at anytime your pastor or other church members are present? Most likely you would behave much like you would on a first date. Polite, kind, gentle in words and actions. Putting your best foot forward (not in your mouth). Isn't it also true that there has always been a "good old boy" way of thinking for the most part? Thankfully Moore did not win the election but we all have to stay vigilant and ensure we can get the bad "actors", male and female out of office. Vote for a candidate not a letter by a name. 

Boys will be boys. Yes they will but at some point they should grow up and have respect for themselves and those in their circle. This should include girls and woman old and young. Such a double standard when it comes to behavior. I believe the female gender has taken enough from those who would have no qualms to grope, expose themselves, assert unwanted attention  because of their standing or stature. We need to encourage our daughters to be who they want to be and to speak up when the male gender gets out of line.

And if your pastor is making excuses for the behavior of men or preaching hate of any kind, you are in the wrong place. That is not a congregation, it's a cult. Run as fast as you can and find a real place of worship. God is love. Love is kind. 

#TimesUp

The Best Place to Be ~ For Susan

Friendship is organic ~ 
Love is kind and sees in we
And in all the world
That's the best place to be

With a friend who loves you
Who knows all your flaws
A friend who comes running
Anytime you call


I'll collect your tear drops
And your laughter too
As you collect mine also
It's just what friends do

I love when you talk to me
And get right in my face
I can't look away from you
As you take over my space

I listen as you speak
And gaze into your eyes
As our hearts let go
Of all the wheres and whys


You have my full attention 
I cannot look away 
You remind me that I'm raining 
On this fine sunny day

Merry Christmas To You

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even my spouse;
We watched a movie and had a good snack,
Then straight to bed, he with two dogs on his back

We twisted and turned just to get into our bed
You can take Sid, no get Izzy instead
I tossed as he turned ~ the dogs did the same
"Shh, quiet!" as we called each dog by name

We tugged and pulled on the covers all night,
Hoping to see they would cover us right
As we watched TV, the light would  flicker,
Now and then one of us would snicker

More tossing and turning all thru the night,
Till we found a hand to hold, in the absence of light
We squeezed and patted, the hands as we dreamed
Knowing that Santa would see our hearts beam

2017 has been so strange and so hard
We are both mainly scratched, not too many scars
2018 will bring its own problems too
But for now we will wish
                Merry Christmas to you ~

Just Another Fibromyalgia Day

Aches and pains

Energy drained

Time to walk the dogs

Another block

No time to stop

Almost time to eat

Take a pill

Against my will

Take some time to blog

Eat some food

Very well chewed

Go to bed I'm beat

Morning comes

Again begun

Coffee please for me

Feeling down

Not blue but brown

Wish to be pain free

Aches and pains

Energy drained

Time to walk the dogs

God Bless Texas ~ Thoughts and Prayers

Broken hearts are hard to mend
For doctors, family or even a friend
So much anger, too much hate
Too many people with too much on their plate

Heartaches happen every day
A bad actor comes to steal lives away
At a school a movie concert or church
No time to address all the hurt

Thoughts and prayers have all been given
Multiple times from us the still living
It's true we can't stop every one
Let's regulate bullets if not the gun

Sleep Without Dreams

My son wrote: "You can’t buy happiness, but you can rent it". Then another friend said, "Can't the same be said about love? Someone should write a song about that".

And this happened:


You can't buy happiness, but you can rent it
You can't buy love but you can spend it
And all the king's horses and all of the kings 
Know that to keep her it'll cost you a ring

You can't find what you're not looking for
Climb out the window instead of the door
And all the Queens on horses and all of the kings
Stumble and fumble, sleep without dreams

Dr. Goose

⇐⇐⇐⇐⇐⇐⇐⇐⇐⇒⇒⇒⇒⇒⇒⇒⇒⇒

Late yesterday I climbed a wall     
The wall that stood 100 foot tall   
With all that climbing I had done         
Expecting to have finally won
             
I pulled and tugged then hurried down 
Lost my footing and fell on a frown 
I bounced back up to look at myself 
And found me hiding beneath a shelf

⇐⇐⇐⇐⇐⇐⇐⇐⇐⇒⇒⇒⇒⇒⇒⇒⇒⇒

From 11/28/2000

Bad Day

Life is filled with ups and downs
Smiles turned up, smiles turned down
And still the world doesn't stop
Turning, burning, wobbling flop

An age ago I was not here
Nor were you but in the mirror
This day had come and gone before
And sayeth the heart, nevermore

The thought of you an action for me 
A bleeding heart left to its scream
Tears streaming down my face
Another human running in place

Pitter patter more thoughts scattered
Mumble, jumble words get tattered
Love lost blowing in the breeze
All the joy caught up in the trees

Again

And when is the best time to even discuss the ability for mass murders to occur without even one regulatory hurdle? It is certainly not the day of I hear. Ought not politicize such an event with any words beyond "thoughts and prayers". And certainly we cannot have a discussion for the first week after. Families need time to bury their loved ones. And not the week after that. So many loose ends to finalize and plans to make for the children and pets left behind. By the third week the next crisis takes over the news cycle and as all good Americans do, we move on with our lives and forget to remind our representatives that we are requiring action. Now is not the time for thoughts and prayers. Now is the time for action to minimize the need for so many thoughts and prayers.

Can one person make a difference? Today one did.

Can you make a difference? Yes you can. Use your voice, use your vote. Stand up. Speak out. Be bold. Be kind. Let your relatives, friends and neighbors enjoy another moment of life. I don't want to play politics. I want to stand with others or alone and make a difference.

Another Goodbye

There's a poem in his pocket that he will never see
As I watch here from the outside, trying to believe
He chose to rise to heaven, leaving me behind
He left without much warning, heavy on my mind

Now that Mother's joined him in the home up above

Again I feel the loss, one less kiss, one less hug

Uncle Sonny and Mother should have much to talk about

With the poem in his pocket and her sunflower there's no doubt

She could read him the poem written many years ago
And he could scatter seeds, ease my sense of woe
Though we knew time was passing, often weaker each new day
We thought the possibilities must still be months away

Gathered around her bedside she pleaded "Take me home"
And with a single prayer her wishes were made known
Lord let me leave them
as gently as I can
and give them the courage
strength to understand