Family Is Relative (Until A Death Occurs)

Three years ago today my glass was full and raised in love to a favorite person that I love beyond the stars to this day. Even before then I had learned some realities about family dynamics. The hard way. I am not uneducated in these matters but don't expect loved ones to act so (there is no good word to use here so help yourself to your goto word selection). 

I was the local stepchild of a step "family" once years ago and that relationship taught me that blood was thicker than water. I was water. My husband, son (favorite of step father was what I was told but can I believe that now?) and I were invited to a Christmas party at a local step sisters' house. We arrived a few minutes early and walked in to find that the blood "family" was cleaning up from their having a pre Christmas party party that didn't include us. Water. Us. Just the three of us. I was so confused. Are we not family or just not family? We left as soon as we could and I never have been able to forget how hurt that day made me feel. My Mother was working out of state and my sister was far, far away in the flatlands of Amarillo. These same step sisters, step brother and step father were the family I had yesterday so was yesterday a lie? According to the need for an additional "family" Christmas party, yes it was.
Families in mourning may do some very odd things. Whether the deceased head of household be a patriarch or matriarch I can attest that among the oddities is having a private ceremony or rituals that exclude "family" of the "family". Yes, it is the prerogative of the "family" to have an invitation only event(s). But isn't it for the "family" whom these things are planned and carried out ~ done so to comfort the family? Did the family funeral planner(s) think she was a celebrity that was not to be shared with anyone not family? She was my Mother while mine was dealing with hepatitis. She drove to Burleson when I got sick at school. We lived with her and her family for six weeks while our blood mother recovered. Her daughter taught me to drive. She wasn't a celebrity to me. She was my favorite (only) Aunt.

I can only imagine how life could have been kinder for those "family" members that were not included, and yes that exclusion included me. I was asked to speak at the funeral which I did without hesitation. No other invitation was extended and at first I didn't even recognize that I was not invited to the "family" activities. I considered myself to be immediate family. Who spent the first Mothers' Day with my sister and I the first year after our Mother passed away? So what was the reason to be excluded? Was this because it was the last request by my favorite Aunt or was the family trying to keep other family members out for reasons I'll never know or even try to understand. My pain, my loss, my greif was left to cry alone. Now orphaned fully and unrecognized as family or friend of my very favorite Aunt. I was nothing. I wasn't permitted to witness my cousins, their children, step children, grandchildren, step grandchildren or close friends release butterflies or to have final closure at the burial.

 

Family? Now I know the true meaning. Family isn't a blood line. Blood is removed as part of the passage from life. Family isn't a water line because as we are returned to the earth the water evaporates. 

Family is relative until a death occurs. 

Family is a love line. 

Family is what the heart, soul and spirit knows to be a real love filled relationship that drives you to be a better you. Family  leads you always to light. Family is the people you love that love you back. Family engages in a meaningful, joyful relationship without leaving you bewildered on your own or unrecognizably bewildered at the loss of another family member. 

Family is who you pray with. 

Family is who you pray for. 

Family is your kind deeds in action during time well spent. True family is what makes your spirit soar and your love light shine for all to see. Light 

What horrible thing(s) was I expected to do if invited? Show up? Granted my mother was not as wealthy as her sister and just as of today I now wonder had my Mother still been living would I have still been excluded from the last memories. Would my mother have not been invited either? I do know it is beyond cruel to break an already broken heart.

So happy I spent time with my Aunt while she was here. I know she loved my family and me. We often bought her dinner and she thought we were the coolest. Light 

So, if you are responsible for the final arrangements but the decedent by death has made you beyond wealthy (which makes you ponder who to trust or you were paranoid already), know that love is kind, inclusive and shines beyond the stars. No need to split to sit on one side of the church or the other. It isn't blood v water. There is no competition in family. Look for the shiny people. They truly loved your loved one and will benefit from the rituals of an inclusive family. 

Blood is thicker than water but light? 

Light shines beyond the stars. 

  ✯  ✭  ✬  ✫  🌟  ⭐  🌠

I am blessed to have my son his wife and grandkids who will likely be making my final, final arrangements. They know the light thing to do.

Love is kind (and shines eternal).

Mother To Mother

Snuggles and Cuddles

Yes Father's day is so close but a girlfriend posted this on Facebook with adorable photos of her twins. (Kids are just precious to Mothers and Fathers):

'I absolutely love sleeping photos. There's something magical about the stillness, sweetness, and serenity they capture. I think I'd like to make two photo books filled with sleeping photos, lullabies, and some of our nighttime sayings for each of our Littles'.

Being an "old" Mom my heart was inspired and interpreted what she said like this:

Snuggles and cuddles with nursery rhymes
Lullabies, blankets then sleepy time
First one dozes then there goes the other
The day is done ~ so glad I'm their Mother

I turn off the light but I am still beaming
They are both sweet now what needs cleaning
Soon we will get up and start a new day
With breakfast and hugs then time to play

💖  💗  💘  Love is kind (and may be seen in rhyme). 💖  💗  💘

Another Goodbye

There's a poem in his pocket that he will never see
As I watch here from the outside, trying to believe
He chose to rise to heaven, leaving me behind
He left without much warning, heavy on my mind

Now that Mother's joined him in the home up above

Again I feel the loss, one less kiss, one less hug

Uncle Sonny and Mother should have much to talk about

With the poem in his pocket and her sunflower there's no doubt

She could read him the poem written many years ago
And he could scatter seeds, ease my sense of woe
Though we knew time was passing, often weaker each new day
We thought the possibilities must still be months away

Gathered around her bedside she pleaded "Take me home"
And with a single prayer her wishes were made known
Lord let me leave them
as gently as I can
and give them the courage
strength to understand

Menopausal Moments 2-10-2000

Menopausal moments, it's hot in here! 
Hormones taunting, "the end is near" 
Hot flashes that seem to last for days 
My Mother confirms, I'm in that stage 

Gravity is working on this body of mine
Aging daily like a dry sweet wine 
My joints are cracking, my muscles ache
The joys of womanhood, the masquerade 

I'm still just a kid, and always will be
But you can't tell just by looking at me
My hair is graying, but not my heart
The hell with nature, I'll end where I start

Mother to Mother

The life and times of yours and mine
Mothers young or old the love light shines

Days go by, then weeks and years
And through it all we shed some tears

A child is born or a loved one dies
We gather together with bleary eyes

We live, we laugh, we dance and sing
We celebrate the simple things

A school recital a game a play
A family reunion that lasts all day

Family is the root of the tree
Providing fruit, the shade we need

Family is there when others are not
Mother to mother ready or not