Family Is Relative (Until A Death Occurs)

Three years ago today my glass was full and raised in love to a favorite person that I love beyond the stars to this day. Even before then I had learned some realities about family dynamics. The hard way. I am not uneducated in these matters but don't expect loved ones to act so (there is no good word to use here so help yourself to your goto word selection). 

I was the local stepchild of a step "family" once years ago and that relationship taught me that blood was thicker than water. I was water. My husband, son (favorite of step father was what I was told but can I believe that now?) and I were invited to a Christmas party at a local step sisters' house. We arrived a few minutes early and walked in to find that the blood "family" was cleaning up from their having a pre Christmas party party that didn't include us. Water. Us. Just the three of us. I was so confused. Are we not family or just not family? We left as soon as we could and I never have been able to forget how hurt that day made me feel. My Mother was working out of state and my sister was far, far away in the flatlands of Amarillo. These same step sisters, step brother and step father were the family I had yesterday so was yesterday a lie? According to the need for an additional "family" Christmas party, yes it was.
Families in mourning may do some very odd things. Whether the deceased head of household be a patriarch or matriarch I can attest that among the oddities is having a private ceremony or rituals that exclude "family" of the "family". Yes, it is the prerogative of the "family" to have an invitation only event(s). But isn't it for the "family" whom these things are planned and carried out ~ done so to comfort the family? Did the family funeral planner(s) think she was a celebrity that was not to be shared with anyone not family? She was my Mother while mine was dealing with hepatitis. She drove to Burleson when I got sick at school. We lived with her and her family for six weeks while our blood mother recovered. Her daughter taught me to drive. She wasn't a celebrity to me. She was my favorite (only) Aunt.

I can only imagine how life could have been kinder for those "family" members that were not included, and yes that exclusion included me. I was asked to speak at the funeral which I did without hesitation. No other invitation was extended and at first I didn't even recognize that I was not invited to the "family" activities. I considered myself to be immediate family. Who spent the first Mothers' Day with my sister and I the first year after our Mother passed away? So what was the reason to be excluded? Was this because it was the last request by my favorite Aunt or was the family trying to keep other family members out for reasons I'll never know or even try to understand. My pain, my loss, my greif was left to cry alone. Now orphaned fully and unrecognized as family or friend of my very favorite Aunt. I was nothing. I wasn't permitted to witness my cousins, their children, step children, grandchildren, step grandchildren or close friends release butterflies or to have final closure at the burial.

 

Family? Now I know the true meaning. Family isn't a blood line. Blood is removed as part of the passage from life. Family isn't a water line because as we are returned to the earth the water evaporates. 

Family is relative until a death occurs. 

Family is a love line. 

Family is what the heart, soul and spirit knows to be a real love filled relationship that drives you to be a better you. Family  leads you always to light. Family is the people you love that love you back. Family engages in a meaningful, joyful relationship without leaving you bewildered on your own or unrecognizably bewildered at the loss of another family member. 

Family is who you pray with. 

Family is who you pray for. 

Family is your kind deeds in action during time well spent. True family is what makes your spirit soar and your love light shine for all to see. Light 

What horrible thing(s) was I expected to do if invited? Show up? Granted my mother was not as wealthy as her sister and just as of today I now wonder had my Mother still been living would I have still been excluded from the last memories. Would my mother have not been invited either? I do know it is beyond cruel to break an already broken heart.

So happy I spent time with my Aunt while she was here. I know she loved my family and me. We often bought her dinner and she thought we were the coolest. Light 

So, if you are responsible for the final arrangements but the decedent by death has made you beyond wealthy (which makes you ponder who to trust or you were paranoid already), know that love is kind, inclusive and shines beyond the stars. No need to split to sit on one side of the church or the other. It isn't blood v water. There is no competition in family. Look for the shiny people. They truly loved your loved one and will benefit from the rituals of an inclusive family. 

Blood is thicker than water but light? 

Light shines beyond the stars. 

  ✯  ✭  ✬  ✫  🌟  ⭐  🌠

I am blessed to have my son his wife and grandkids who will likely be making my final, final arrangements. They know the light thing to do.

Love is kind (and shines eternal).

Mother To Mother

The 1203 Chronicles

2.26.14
It's been a long busy day with patient 1203. But we got an early start and made it through the routing without complications. Now it's time for "Nurse Ratchet" to kick back, relax and give some praise and rest in joy. Night y'all and don't forget to give thanks for those you love and those that love you. Love is kind. Coffee is good.

Meanwhile in a state far away . . .

2.27.14
Today is experiment day. I am here for support but not doing much on his behalf. I had the coffee pot ready to just pour the water and did not have the lids on our coffee cups or carafe. This was very helpful he said because he had a bit of trouble when he was ready for the second cup.
Trying to discover what he can't do without help before I go back to work. So far I have had to open the new, never opened peanut butter jar and he said making a sandwhich was a bit of a struggle but he did it. :) We did get him in a pullover shirt without too much pain and he is enjoying being button free. He had to keep his head elevated for the first 24 hours so he was on the couch last night and I was not. Tonight I am hoping we can travel to Dreamland together.

Love is kind <3

1203 Report 3.1.14
Just three days post op and another great day for 1203 and me. Favorite son and favorite grandkids made it in safely last night. After the kids agreed who slept where, we all settled in and I enjoyed a long cuddle and we drifted to peaceful slumber side by side.

He brought the princess coffee that was announced quietly as it was placed at my bedside. As I heard it, "your coffee is ready for you to wake up if you choose but if you snooze, you will have a few more minutes". After a 10 minute delay my snooze alarm, the sweetest girl (in a sling) came to announce that Pop E said it was time to wake up. I got up, showered and as my son and I agreed the night before, we'd all go to breakfast. Sling buddies Pop E and Sweet Pea,

Sean, B-dawg and me.

As we were seated at the restaurant we had two extra chairs so I called my "big blister" who lives very near by to invite to sit in the available chairs. I was almost turned down but she and Bear came and after catching up on who broke what and how is it now we got to hear of their great adventure to Hawaii. I told you it was a great day!

I was really hoping she would bring me a dolphin but I wasn't sure if they had a big enough zip lock bag. Turns out none of the dolphins followed them home. 1203 and I will just have to visit them in person.

If the mountain won't come to Muhammad, Muhammad must go to the mountain. Yea, we're cool like that. 😍

Night y'all

1203 Report 3.2.14
Today was uneventful for 1203. He very likely has end stages of cabin fever though. We didn't go anywhere Sunday or today. Yesterday he was really hoping I would be snowed in with him today. And who doesn't want someone to play with if you are not sick and home alone? Probably would have gone mad if not for the pea salad I made yesterday.

It was supposed to be a surprise but he caught me in the act. I told him it was for the tuna salad that he knew I was making but apparently he is taking less pain medications so he didn't believe my story at all. English peas does not a tuna salad make. Making surprise pea salad is tricky but I will not go quietly into that good night, Old age should burn and rage at close of day; Rage, rage against the dying of the light as the refrigerator door is closed. I shall not give up!

So I wasn't snowed in but I did go in an hour late this morning. A bit of black ice and stunt drivers were everywhere. Thought I'd have a better chance of dodging them with a bit of sunlight. As we are trying to prepare for temporary house guests I find I have the back of an old lady. So between Mark's shoulder, my back, ankle, knee and wrist (not broken wrist if anyone is keeping score), we just almost make an able bodied person. It's teamwork that keeps us in an upright position putting one foot in front of the other. He gets his stitches out on Thursday so I have to stay healthy enough to get him there. If I had been in an accident we'd really be in a pickle. Maybe he can loose the pillow in the sling and start bending like Beckham or like Mark E. I hope we have enough pea salad to get him through till I get home tomorrow.

Now where should we go . . . . . .

<3 is kind (but may be prone to cabin fever)



1203 Report 3.4.14
As I said later in my earlier report (I really do like this opening line and it makes perfect sense sensibly): Breaking news! 1203 is wearing jeans that he put on unassisted after I left. I see the not so surprising pea salad had magical powers. Yea Mark!

So I no sooner got home than 1203 was asking to put on a jacket. I talked him into wearing a long sleeve denim over his T-shirt. As soon as we got him put together he was ready to go vote. My butt had not been on the sofa more than 30 minutes. But we went to vote, went to dinner, bought a couple things from the store (Ice creaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam!) dropped off some things for my brother and headed home.

I am hoping the cabin fever has broken though I am sure he can hardly contain himself after mastering the blue jeans. On Thursday I will drive 1203 to the very fine Dr Todd to remove the shoulder stitches. I have a feeling that will open up a lot more activities for him. Physical therapy, no pillow insert in the sling, using his whole arm even from the elbow up, two armed hugs, petting both dogs simultaneously. The list is long of what may be coming soon. :)

Love is kind (and looks sexy in jeans)



1203 Report 3.5.14
Another good day for 1203 and he somehow scored a bonus excursion. The number one brother-in-law called and invited him to lunch! Over lunch they discussed how retirement will be much better when the wives are home too. 1203 has decided the next time he retires, he will only retire when and if I do too. Being home alone all day is not as entertaining as you might expect.

1203 may be heading back to work on light duty and it could be even as soon as next week. We should find out in the morning what happens next after the stitches come out. Early Dr appointment and house guests ETA just keeps moving closer to 5 a.m. Tomorrow will be early and stressful. Not to mention it's also my BFF's BFF's birthday. I just hope I can stay awake through birthday dinner. Note to self: order coffee with dinner. We have been adjusting slowly day after day and even during pre-op to life as it has morphed slowly from two strong arms to one in a sling. From what it was to what it is and as always life just keeps moving forward.

1203 and me, we will keep moving forward too. We'll hold hands, go for walks, visit our boy and his family, hug, snore, laugh, help each other when needed, dance and when we grow old (NOT UP), we'll retire. I suspect after that we will hold hands, go for walks in other places, visit our boy and his family, hug, snore, laugh, help each other when needed, and dance all night even if it's a week night.

Love is kind (in sickness and in health)


1203 Report 3.6.14
As expected today started way earlier than either of us wanted. Phone rang at 2:45 am and by 3:00 we were making our way downtown. 1203 knows I am not a morning person and he apologized as we drove closer to the bus station. I think I had consumed a roady cup of coffee and was back in bed by 4 something-ish. 1203 stayed up to calm the barking dogs and help the guests settle in.

The Dr appointment was at 8 this morning but we were about 15 minutes late. He almost stayed up after the return trip but he nodded off sometime after 6:30 so he woke me at 7:35 and once again we hit the road with purpose and in a hurry. The Gram*E*Mobeel drove quickly as 1203 gave directions to drive around the heavier traffic.

More apologies as he checked in at the desk and we sat quietly for just a few minutes. His name was called and he asked me to come too. His stitches were removed without fanfare and he seemed to forget the questions he had been saving up so I began to ask on his behalf. Yes he can drive as long as he is not taking pain meds. No he cannot take the pillow out of the sling yet. Maybe in three weeks. He can take the sling off to shower and sleep if he wants but he must continue to wear it. His left arm should not push down or raise up but it can help button a shirt and other light duties. Physical therapy location was agreed to and he even made an appointment and went today I found out later. It was going to be 3 times a week but he did so well, he only has to go twice a week. Atta boy Mark E! :)

We took the long way home from the doctor's office and picked up a drive through breakfast. We rounded our corner, I pulled into the driveway, rushed inside, topped off my coffee, brushed my teeth and Mark repacked my lunch and I boomeranged back on to the road and off to work I went. Being almost 3 1/2 hours later than usual made for a busy day. So busy I hardly noticed my fragmented sleep from the night before. Luckily we have as much coffee as a hospital waiting room available at work and I may have consumed twice my weight in coffee. Yea, I'm cool with that.

Got home after work and as we were catching up with our day I learned that 1203 has graduated to putting on and taking off his shirt. As we continued to chat, I got a text from my BFF with birthday dinner inquiry. We had a great time and 1203 and I both stayed awake the whole time. When we got home he was running on fumes and headed off for some well deserved z's. I think I may still be wound too tight but I am ready to join him. Tomorrow is Friday so just one more early morning to end this week. Can't wait to see what 1203 will discover next and looking forward to the weekend and a little extra sleep.

Love is kind (and apologizes without hesitation)

Hearts (are meant to be broken)

A broken heart is really a right of passage. A badge of grief. If we live long enough we will all experience a heartbreaking loss. Even in grade school a classmate moves away and we are broken. We can attempt to harden our heart but it will break just the same under the right conditions. We suffer a loss. Suffer! But for me, I am going to embrace my broken heart. The cracks make it expand to let more love inside. So yes, <3 's are meant to be broken and that is the best good bad I can think of. Love is kind (and hurts sometime).

Ashes to ashes

Dust to dust

A heart unbroken

Is covered with rust

Whether dream or lie

There go I

Be broken or not

My heart will not rot

It seeks and searches

Pain reverses

It strikes it flails

In darkness it wails

Rust it won't be

The color of me

Loving out loud

Alone in a crowd

Therapy (from 198?)

I don't think I'm ready for what lies ahead
All those thoughts are spinning around in my head
She's suppose to help me, but I don't know how
Yet I hope it works so I can live in now
I hope it won't hurt me, telling her out loud
I pray she won't lose me somewhere in the crowd
I wish it was over, the things I'll need to say
Then happy after after could begin today

2017

Might have discovered a cure for my morning headaches! Last night Mark and I had to drink last year's bottle of bubbles rather quickly because we had welcomed 2016 from Oklahoma and we never got around to opening it. Then as is tradition we enjoyed a 2017 welcome bottle starting at midnight and had emptied the bottle and rinsed it out before going to bed.

This morning, no headache so, I told Mark we will need to start a two bottles before bed regimen because. . . No headache!!!

Seriously though, everyone please enjoy your black eyed peas, greens or whatever is your way to celebrate the new year. While we all wish for a happy new year we also know some rain must fall. Some events will be expected and some families will have surprises. Not all events will be in line with our prayers or wishes for ourselves or even strangers that we hear or read about.

There will be hard choices, loud voices, gains and losses, new jobs and bosses. Deaths and births, new chapters and verse. Please take every opportunity and do more than just wish everyone a happy new year. Be a kindness and blessing to others. A safe place for those caught in a storm. Help those around you when you are able and ask for help when you need it. Life is hard. Love is kind. Don't be the unopened bottle that is quickly consumed at the last possible moment.

Cheers!

The Journey 10-06-1999

Memories tumbled with time
Emotions intertwined
Where yesterdays abound
Lost love forever found
Curving, tangled days
Younger, carefree ways

So many paths to choose
And where to leave these blues
That they could not be found
Nor turn my head around
Walking thru the haze
My heart my soul ablaze

Softened thru the years
Remembering - bitter tears
Accepting my own path
Thru joy, hope or wrath
Older - head is bowed
Learning life out loud

Submissive 7/15/1999

I didn't take time, I didn't take care
I didn't notice you weren't standing there
I didn't call, I didn't write
I didn't growl, I didn't bite

I didn't take time, I didn't take care

I didn't not love you when you weren't there

I didn't think, I didn't act

I didn't know if you'd come back

I didn't take time, I didn't take care

Now I can feel it, it's everywhere

I didn't remember how could I forget

Just how lonely a soul can get

Doors 4-18-2000

Doors that welcome, doors that warn

Doors that shelter from the storm

Doors to enter or return

Doors of life our lessons learned

Some with flowers growing near

Others locked, unwelcome here

Some you knock or ring a bell

Some there is no way in hell

Some are weathered, some are new

Some I held open for you

Doors of exit, doors of yore

Doors to open ever more

Doors of sorrow, doors of glee

Doors still standing tauntingly

A Friend Is A Friend 12-29-1999

Being a friend is not a spectator sport
It's laughing and crying, mutual support

It's the ups and the downs, it's shadows and light
It's the person you know that will hold on tight

A friend is a friend and ever will be
A friend is a friend a reflection of me

November Rain 7-17-1999

The storm clouds come and shadow me
I long for shelter a safe place to be
I struggle I try I run out of breath
Peace come quickly bring me death

Just then it rains and cleanses my heart
The wonder the joy a new day to start
The storm passes quickly the thunder fades
I hold you and whisper "I'll love you always"

Breakfast with Sue

My sister needs help, she's confined to her thoughts
She fails to see kindness wherever it's brought
Alone in her thinking, with only her view
How do I reach her, what's a little sister to do

We meet at the restaurant engage in conversation
But it soon takes a turn sparking her aggravation
I said something to which she does not agree
She stares intently just glaring at me

More coffee, more water, no thank you we're done
What was I thinking my sister lacks fun
Check please and hurry, just so much to do
This was my breakfast with my sister Sue

She'd rather be right no matter the cost
But I'm grown too, she's no longer my boss
I'll check with her later, see if she's free
I long for the closeness of my sister and me