Family Is Relative (Until A Death Occurs)

Three years ago today my glass was full and raised in love to a favorite person that I love beyond the stars to this day. Even before then I had learned some realities about family dynamics. The hard way. I am not uneducated in these matters but don't expect loved ones to act so (there is no good word to use here so help yourself to your goto word selection). 

I was the local stepchild of a step "family" once years ago and that relationship taught me that blood was thicker than water. I was water. My husband, son (favorite of step father was what I was told but can I believe that now?) and I were invited to a Christmas party at a local step sisters' house. We arrived a few minutes early and walked in to find that the blood "family" was cleaning up from their having a pre Christmas party party that didn't include us. Water. Us. Just the three of us. I was so confused. Are we not family or just not family? We left as soon as we could and I never have been able to forget how hurt that day made me feel. My Mother was working out of state and my sister was far, far away in the flatlands of Amarillo. These same step sisters, step brother and step father were the family I had yesterday so was yesterday a lie? According to the need for an additional "family" Christmas party, yes it was.
Families in mourning may do some very odd things. Whether the deceased head of household be a patriarch or matriarch I can attest that among the oddities is having a private ceremony or rituals that exclude "family" of the "family". Yes, it is the prerogative of the "family" to have an invitation only event(s). But isn't it for the "family" whom these things are planned and carried out ~ done so to comfort the family? Did the family funeral planner(s) think she was a celebrity that was not to be shared with anyone not family? She was my Mother while mine was dealing with hepatitis. She drove to Burleson when I got sick at school. We lived with her and her family for six weeks while our blood mother recovered. Her daughter taught me to drive. She wasn't a celebrity to me. She was my favorite (only) Aunt.

I can only imagine how life could have been kinder for those "family" members that were not included, and yes that exclusion included me. I was asked to speak at the funeral which I did without hesitation. No other invitation was extended and at first I didn't even recognize that I was not invited to the "family" activities. I considered myself to be immediate family. Who spent the first Mothers' Day with my sister and I the first year after our Mother passed away? So what was the reason to be excluded? Was this because it was the last request by my favorite Aunt or was the family trying to keep other family members out for reasons I'll never know or even try to understand. My pain, my loss, my greif was left to cry alone. Now orphaned fully and unrecognized as family or friend of my very favorite Aunt. I was nothing. I wasn't permitted to witness my cousins, their children, step children, grandchildren, step grandchildren or close friends release butterflies or to have final closure at the burial.

 

Family? Now I know the true meaning. Family isn't a blood line. Blood is removed as part of the passage from life. Family isn't a water line because as we are returned to the earth the water evaporates. 

Family is relative until a death occurs. 

Family is a love line. 

Family is what the heart, soul and spirit knows to be a real love filled relationship that drives you to be a better you. Family  leads you always to light. Family is the people you love that love you back. Family engages in a meaningful, joyful relationship without leaving you bewildered on your own or unrecognizably bewildered at the loss of another family member. 

Family is who you pray with. 

Family is who you pray for. 

Family is your kind deeds in action during time well spent. True family is what makes your spirit soar and your love light shine for all to see. Light 

What horrible thing(s) was I expected to do if invited? Show up? Granted my mother was not as wealthy as her sister and just as of today I now wonder had my Mother still been living would I have still been excluded from the last memories. Would my mother have not been invited either? I do know it is beyond cruel to break an already broken heart.

So happy I spent time with my Aunt while she was here. I know she loved my family and me. We often bought her dinner and she thought we were the coolest. Light 

So, if you are responsible for the final arrangements but the decedent by death has made you beyond wealthy (which makes you ponder who to trust or you were paranoid already), know that love is kind, inclusive and shines beyond the stars. No need to split to sit on one side of the church or the other. It isn't blood v water. There is no competition in family. Look for the shiny people. They truly loved your loved one and will benefit from the rituals of an inclusive family. 

Blood is thicker than water but light? 

Light shines beyond the stars. 

  ✯  ✭  ✬  ✫  🌟  ⭐  🌠

I am blessed to have my son his wife and grandkids who will likely be making my final, final arrangements. They know the light thing to do.

Love is kind (and shines eternal).

Mother To Mother

The Bridge Crossed Before

The rainbow bridge has been crossed before
The pain and grief knock down the door
We cry, we wail, we scream in our grief
We spend more nights crying to sleep

Sid was a good dog, we laughed and we played
He helped me to garden and didn't run away
He listened without judging or guilting me ever
He always had time for me, retreating never

I will miss my furry small friend
I will miss him from this day until then
He will cross my mind and in memory smile
My sweet little boy who was here for a while 

WO ~ 2018

#TeamSid

Rainbow bridge remembrance day was yesterday but I am going to take just a minute to "paws" and remember all of the fur babies I have had in my life, my 💖, and my lap.

This is especially weighing on me this year because our eldest, Sid is nearing the bridge and it 💔 to know he will soon cross over. I am in negotiations to delay his trip maybe two or more years.

Just a couple of days ago when the 🌕 was full I had taken him outside to potty and before we went back in the house I held him with his back to my chest and our faces touched. I told him to look at the moon and that he should remember to meet me there one day. 

I think he understood.

Thank God for fur babies. Love them if you have them.

#Team Sid

Kids say the darndest things

I am not willing to sacrifice my husband, my only son, his wife, his son or daughter or my friends and family so you can have military, in effect, shoot to kill weapons. I want smaller magazines, no bump stocks and I want to be relatively sure if a member of my family is outside the home doing life, a bad actor does not mow them down because they have anger issues and or seeking revenge against another or any other reason. I want the laws to be nationwide so people on the edges of states can't hop over to another and get something their state has declared unlawful and then perhaps sell them out of their car without a background check. Fortunately I have not lost a family member or friend to gun violence. Ask the parents that have lost a child what they want. They have made the ultimate involuntary sacrifice. Who will be next if the powers that be remain frozen and do nothing.

Thoughts and prayers?

This should not be an all or nothing arrangement. Name a law that is followed 100%. One. If we don't have laws we are creating unnecessary chaos. Do you know about the teacher that fed a live puppy to a snapping turtle? Want him to have a gun - in the school? Veterans? We haven't given veterans what they need in a very long time. What are the chances something at the school will trigger a flashback or maybe undiagnosed PTSD. Suicide? Veterans have a higher rate of suicide. He or she should have a gun in school?

Texas has more than 1.2 million residents who are active holders of concealed handgun permits. No laws regulating long guns such as shotguns and rifles other than existing federal restrictions. Machine guns are allowed for possession in the state according to Texas gun laws, as long as they are registered on the federal level. Armor-piercing ammo is considered illegal to possess and sell.

So sad that the students have to take action because the grown ups  cower under their desks in the pockets of the NRA and political party. What better way to learn that elections have consequences. Among the crowd of students that walked out of class today, there is a future president. He or she is getting ground level education. Students do not need to know everything to be politically active. Sometimes you just have to get out there and learn from each other. I support all students participating in #NationalWalkoutDay and #MarchForOurLives

• Love your family? 
• Invest in our future
• Save a kid
• Save yourself

Again

And when is the best time to even discuss the ability for mass murders to occur without even one regulatory hurdle? It is certainly not the day of I hear. Ought not politicize such an event with any words beyond "thoughts and prayers". And certainly we cannot have a discussion for the first week after. Families need time to bury their loved ones. And not the week after that. So many loose ends to finalize and plans to make for the children and pets left behind. By the third week the next crisis takes over the news cycle and as all good Americans do, we move on with our lives and forget to remind our representatives that we are requiring action. Now is not the time for thoughts and prayers. Now is the time for action to minimize the need for so many thoughts and prayers.

Can one person make a difference? Today one did.

Can you make a difference? Yes you can. Use your voice, use your vote. Stand up. Speak out. Be bold. Be kind. Let your relatives, friends and neighbors enjoy another moment of life. I don't want to play politics. I want to stand with others or alone and make a difference.

Therapy (from 198?)

I don't think I'm ready for what lies ahead
All those thoughts are spinning around in my head
She's suppose to help me, but I don't know how
Yet I hope it works so I can live in now
I hope it won't hurt me, telling her out loud
I pray she won't lose me somewhere in the crowd
I wish it was over, the things I'll need to say
Then happy after after could begin today

Whispers 7/18/1999

Pooh prefers honey and I prefer you
When I need someone to whisper to
I can rant and rave and carry on
Laugh or cry till the hurts all gone
Or just sit quiet and wait for a hug
A moment in time warmed with love
Pooh prefers honey and I prefer you
When I need someone to whisper to

Doors 4-18-2000

Doors that welcome, doors that warn

Doors that shelter from the storm

Doors to enter or return

Doors of life our lessons learned

Some with flowers growing near

Others locked, unwelcome here

Some you knock or ring a bell

Some there is no way in hell

Some are weathered, some are new

Some I held open for you

Doors of exit, doors of yore

Doors to open ever more

Doors of sorrow, doors of glee

Doors still standing tauntingly

November Rain 7-17-1999

The storm clouds come and shadow me
I long for shelter a safe place to be
I struggle I try I run out of breath
Peace come quickly bring me death

Just then it rains and cleanses my heart
The wonder the joy a new day to start
The storm passes quickly the thunder fades
I hold you and whisper "I'll love you always"

To protect and serve

Cop Humor

16 hrs · 

As I was watching the news outlets covering the shooting in Dallas, I noticed something significant but not surprising; When The shots rang out, all those protesters ran, and ran quickly away from the sound of the shots, screaming, crying and trampling over each other.

I saw a reporter run to the shots, undoubtedly to get a story. Who else ran towards the shots? Every law enforcement officer in the area!!!

The reporter ran to get the story, but will remain a safe distance from harm. The officers will run and continue to run towards the shots in an effort to neutralize or stop the threat, to save and protect all those people, who were there protesting against the police. Who sacrificed their lives tonight while protecting the protestor's? So far, FOUR police officers killed! There are several reports of police officers shielding protestor's from gunfire with their own bodies!

God bless our police officers. May these officers rest in peace

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *
As we mourn the loss of officers in Dallas, I have to ask why we praise the police for doing their job. That is not to say that I don't back the blue I do! After events involving police I often see a post praising the police for rushing toward the danger. In other words, doing their job. Yes the police will be running toward the danger and that is part of their duty to protect and serve. Yes their job is more dangerous than mine but it should in no way elevate any police officer above that of any citizen. We should all be on a level playing field and over and over we are painfully aware that we are not.

Similarly this is how often times a sports figure who is on the wrong side of the law is not held to the same standard as an average citizen no matter what crime is alleged. The punishment if any is a slap on the wrist rather than the standard of due process. A bad actor is a bad actor. It does not and should not be attached to the occupation of the individual nor should a victim be further victimized or have additional harm done or be minimized based on any previous criminal record.

I believe any officer who exhibits going above and beyond should be individually recognized and all police officers are required to live by the same laws of the land. It is also my belief that the best way we can support our officers is to stop instigating and agitating to make it a black or white issue when it is black AND white or more often lately black and blue.

I was fondled by a policeman who lived next door when I was younger so I know not all "cops" are good. I had a very cool family oriented neighbor who was a cop so I know all cops aren't bad. I have black friends and coworkers who are loving caring people so I know not all blacks are bad. We have obviously taught ourselves and others to paint with a broad brush. This leaves no way to include details. We live in a world of color not black and white. And each color has a different hue. There are shades of red, blue, green, purple. The world is a rainbow of color. Let's work actively to live together, out loud in the open instead of hiding or retreating to our box. Talk with your neighbor, meet someone new at your church, start a group or club that promotes kindness, love and understanding. Neighbor to neighbor, heart to heart make your part of the world a better place.

I am white but I am so much more than the color of my skin. We all are.

Love is kind. 

Use your voice, your gifts, your talents to move us to higher ground.

With kindness and in love, stand up.

H. U. G. S. (Humans Utilizing Gifts Successfully)

Breaking News! 14 dead, 17 injured in CA mass shooting

When breaking news is more of the same thing we heard a day or so ago is it really breaking news or a trend?

Yet another mass shooting and all we can offer are thoughts and prayers. I cannot express how empty that statement has become. It is right up there with "Thank you for your service". What is it exactly that prevents those that can make changes we so desperately need to step up and speak out? We should demand it. There is no better time than today to make a difference.

We are so consumed with the thought of refugees infiltrating our country that we forget we are our own worst enemy. We stand by and watch silently as we continue to support the NRA because, the only thing that can stop a gun is another gun.

Are you serious? Are we just going to continue to support the NRA and the manufacturers of guns, rifles and mega clip ammunition rather than people? Why is it more acceptable to so many for people to have guns than for all people to have a safer life? How does limiting magazines and implementing common sense and background checks impinge on your second amendment rights?

Is it possible to stop every single incident? Absolutely not. Will we be open minded and learn from each mass shooting or will we continue to offer thoughts and prayers to broken families?


Maybe alone I can't change the world, but I can step up and speak out. Please join me won't you? Use your voice, use your vote. Pro life is not just about the unborn. What family member are you willing to sacrifice because of inaction?

More than one thousand mass shootings since Sandy Hook.

Enough.

Why tears are heavy

Ever wonder why tears are so heavy?

Tears are often contagious and on the outside they give the impression they cause harm. So much so that our first reaction is to try to make them stop. Our own tears or tears of a family member or friend we mostly react the same. We want them to stop but tears have healing properties if you just let them fall. For me, in my life, tears water my soul. They prevent me from drowning in sorrow when ravaged with grief. Soothe heartache (which often goes unnoticed to my mind because it can be a very, very, slow process). And over time tears dilute regrets so they sting less. Tears have the power to carve a path for remembrances to spontaneously erupt with unabashed laughter. Much like a playful dolphin breaking through the surface, dancing in the air briefly with pure joy.

Ever wonder what causes that sparkle on the water? I'm not a scientist but I am certain it is the light of joy emitting from millions of shared moments of lives and love lost but not forgotten.

Tears are meant to be and they do good work. So when I grieve, if you feel comfortable to do so, do give me a hug, a shoulder to lean on, squeeze my hand tightly so I can feel the strength of your heart with mine. Know my sorrow is mine. My grief is mine. If I have anger it too is mine. You cannot "fix" me nor I you but together we can share those memories and hold each other up and I will honor your grief, your pain, and your anger in kind.

For those who have fresh wounds know that love never dies and wherever they are they will love you from there just as you will continue to love them from here.

"I will not say: do not weep; for not all tears are an evil."

- J. R. R. Tolkien

Love is kind (often tearful), and I'm ok with that.

Crayons, Coloring books and Bob

Yesterday, 9/12/15, I found out my favorite aunt had fallen and soon after, possibly in the ambulance, also suffered a stroke. We didn't see each other often but she is the one that comforted my "big blister" and I after our mother died. She even came to our church to be with us the first Mother's day after Mothers passing. She found ways to soften our transition to being fully orphaned and took us out for dinner on or around our birthday most years after. I looked forward to those dinners with just us girls and our spouses. No cousins allowed! This was our time. 

When my husband and I first arrived she seemed disoriented and confused even to the point that I didn't think she knew who I was. Finally realizing yes, she had had a stroke and her right side was not functioning. She can't see me standing here. I made my way to the left side as my cousin and big blister yielded. As I shuffled closer her bruised and swollen face flashed a smile that lifted my heart and after that I truly believed she knew it was me. Her speech was slurred and I didn't understand much of what she said but I listened intently to it all and reassured her it would get better. Every day it would get better. Her only job was to rest and get better. 

I brought her coloring books, crayons and a small stuffed Minion I introduced to her as King Bob. One of the coloring books was My Little Pony and the other was Minions. Both coloring books came with four primary colored crayons. I explained that a choice of four crayons is not really a choice and that is why we bought the bigger box. It contained 24 new high tech crayons that twisted to allow a larger usable crayon instead of having to peel the paper away. 

As she studied my face I explained that I wasn't sure if she had heard of Minions or remembered what they look like so I brought King Bob to model for the coloring book if needed. She seemed impressed and I hoped that soon I would walk into her room and find her honing her fine motor skills with the help of crayons, coloring books and Bob. I also encouraged her to play with him. I told her as she began to feel better she could have some fun with her visitors by nudging Bob onto the floor or if she was strong enough she could toss him across the room when the time was right and no one would be the wiser. I said you can play fetch whenever you have people in the room. They will pick him up every time! (I was delighted to hear that my cousin walked into her room the next morning to find her Mother, my favorite aunt, clutching Bob in her left hand). 

I think I was able to connect, encourage and comfort my cousins daughter as she was making her way around the room saying her goodbyes. After all my years, and all the losses, I still, to this day and into the foreseeable future, have no idea how to say goodbye to a loved one. After so many years I know how death works. Me and my broken heart really know that. So many losses and I still feel as though they just recently passed on. Often I find no comfort where comfort should be and as the people around me dwindle I cannot imagine that the grief of this life will ever be something that I can deal with gracefully.

My favorite memory of my Aunt June didn't happen too long ago. She me and 1203 (long story short, 1203 is my husband) had a very deep and honest discussion of things she had never spoken to anyone else about. That intimacy and renewed bond will forever be with me and will remain till time is no more. And while we wait for God to do his work and hear our prayers I am certain that she heard me yesterday and will love me from wherever she is as I will love her through my grief and beyond. Fifty nine years on this earth and still not good at goodbye.

As mentioned in one of my earlier post: What words could possibly be spoken that would comfort another? What words can truly express the feelings of those touched by loss and if I am the one grieving, what words can lift the veil? How do we communicate death to a child or someone child like? How do we respond to a grieving heart that can distract enough to allow just a moment of relief? We have words that can cut us to the bone but what words bring comfort? I think it isn't so much the pain and heartache but more the anguish that leaves us broken without words.It is my experience that the sadness of death is like a tsunami that floods the heart with grief. Friends and family are swept in as the words are spoken announcing the loss and collectively but uniquely we rage against the force of the waters. Waters that have (this time) spared us and taken a loved one. As the waves continue to crash on the shore we stop thrashing as often and allow our broken hearts to ride the waves that are rhythmically lifting us to the next sunrise.

Today the doctors are not optimistic that a recovery is possible. Tomorrow will begin another sunrise and all things are possible. Love is kind (and for now is reflected in the form of crayons, coloring books and a Minion named Bob).