I have been on the roller coaster of life for almost 62 years. Lately I have lost the will to remain upright. I have multiple lipomas, chronic pain and extreme fatigue, COPD, and bone spurs just to name a few. Sometimes I can walk and sometimes I limp. Fibromyalgia makes everything hurt. Muscles, soft tissue and even my bones ache and hurt. I have multiple medications. Two drugs are for depression which I will take for as long as I exist. Even with medication the pain is always there and will last as long as I exist as well. Always.
At the end of 2017 I had surgery on my neck and through no fault of my own I was unable to take my medications for several days and found myself once again slipping into the darkness. I have been on that ledge before due to miscarriages and self doubt in my journey through life. With counselling I was able to live life in a better state of mind. Even then I wondered what is my purpose? By then as a child myself I had saved a girl at camp. As the older me and at separate family reunions I also rescued my niece and nephew, and while on vacation my Mother and another child from drowning. Made friends, written poetry, played guitar enjoyed family gatherings, sang at fiddle contests with a friend. Sang solo in a pizza place and discovered I did not care for the spotlight to be directed on me. As a teenager I had hoped to be a disc jockey. Tragically that never happened but I have had music in my life for as long as I can remember. Our family played guitars and sang for the joy of it. I always want "to do" everything with joy.
Since my counselling sessions in my mid twenties my husband and I became foster parents in the hopes of adopting. God said no to that also. The joy? We had one biological son that was a good egg. We are so very proud of the man and father he came to be. His son and daughter are doing well and we are also proud of them. They live about three hours thirty minutes away so we don't see them as often as we might. The joy? They found a church where all are welcome. As they serve the church and their community they are also comforted and nurtured. We attend their church when we are able and I have wanted to join. We have attended so often a couple of the congregation sent me flowers and well wishes after my neck surgery. It is a real church family.
Due to chronic health issues I will retire this year. Because of my health issues my husband will continue to work for health insurance coverage for both of us. While I feel some guilt mixed with relief I have yet to find the joy in this upcoming event. I am grateful to have him sacrifice for me but it limits what we can do together. I haven't yet determined what good I can do after retirement. My days are such that I never know what level of energy and mobility if any I may have or what level of pain to expect so whatever I might do will be spontaneous at best.
So where or what is the thing that gets me to the other side? How long will this life be? I must be wandering instead of following the path of my destiny. With age I have learned to be more patient. Maybe my earthly purpose will be revealed soon.
I am tired.
Ready but still waiting.
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