Poems from the dark

In the late 70's early 80's I found myself stumbling in the dark. The twelve year old me rose up and refused to allow the twenty something me not notice the little girl that never felt loved or comforted all those years ago. In her pain she screamed silently and begged for my attention and affection. I tried to write my thoughts and feelings as my counselling progressed. As you read these please know, this is not who I am today but where I've been and how I came to be me. I had to reconnect with a past that I'd much rather forget. All for the love of the little girl in me. Today she and I are both stronger and live in harmony. We have no secrets.

I tried to write my thoughts and feelings as my counselling progressed. These I have selected to share.

Insecure

Sometimes when I'm near you I break out in a sweat

I feel your dissatisfaction, I hope to pass the test

The closeness feels so distant, you vanish in thin air

I feel the need to touch you, to be certain you're still there

But I'm afraid it would scare you, to see me be that way

So I hope for tomorrow to be a better day

Prison

I live in my prison that I have built for me
The walls are very tall, it's hard for me to see
There are people on the outside, I don't know their names
But I can hear them laughing, talking and playing games
It's lonely in my prison so sometimes I want out
But the people are too noisy, they don't hear my shouts

Tomorrow

How can it be . . . that I am still alive

Where did it come from . . . the will to survive

No one tried to reach me those years I was lost

Still I had to have tomorrow no matter what the cost

I kept on searching, for what I still don't know

But I have hope to find it, so tomorrow here I go!

So Far ~ So Near

I don't know why I drink, it doesn't make me better

But when I'm in a daze, I think I'm all together

Then I can relax and forget about the past

But when I sober up it comes to me too fast

I start to feel sorry for me and those I've touched

I long to go back, before it hurt so much

The hurts turn to anger, the anger to fear

Then I'm confused, so far and so near

I'm Sorry

I'm sorry I haven't been a better friend for you

I'm sorry that I'm never sure of what I should do

I'm sorry I can't take away all the times you've seen me cry

I'm sorry I haven't an answer for all your wheres and whys

I'm sorry that you see me when I'm down and out

And when you say you love me I still have some doubts

I'm sorry I'm not the mountain that I wanted you to see

I'm sorry I'm not to you what you are to me

Friends

Cigarettes and coffee, thinking of you

And all the bad times that you helped me thru

You heard every heartbeat, you didn't blink an eye

It didn't seem to matter, but I still wonder why

You stayed with me to listen, you heard every word

You hoped that I'd feel better, to finally be cured

My life has been so stormy, I've felt things much too strong

But I have you to lean on, you make things not so wrong

Forget It

OK, I'm fine, forget it

I'll leave it behind

It doesn't matter who did it

I've already done the time

Now it's time to grow

To be alive again

I'll take it slow

And remember to bend

I won't dwell on the past

I'll just forge ahead

And I hope it lasts

The words I just said

Rainbows Are Rare

I believe it's hopeless, life is a waste of time

Everybody's hurting, the world is so unkind

What is the purpose to live another day

Is it another chance to find a better way

The storms come too often, rainbows are rare

Survival of the fittest - or for those who dare

Could one person make a difference in this life we live

Isn't it required for everyone to give

And for those who don't, what do they take

Whose life do they touch, whose heart do they break

What happens to broken people - where do they turn

Who feeds the fire - who watches them burn

When they're used up and choking from the smoke

Is there a tunnel of light, a glimmer of hope

Or do they build a wall, a shelter from the storm

And which do they wish had never been born

Themselves for being broken, not prepared to live

Or perhaps the takers who never learned to give

Who's There

Somethings got me but there's nobody there

And I can feel it but I don't know where

It makes me hurt, I can't point to the place

But it shows in my eyes, and on my face

Maybe it is a ghost from days gone by

Or just a shadow
           maybe it is I

Hugs

I really like hugs, they feel so nice

It's an ingredient, like a spice

They can make us feel so safe and sound

With a hug you can never fall down

I'll give one to you, and you to me

We'll both feel better, it's plain to see

A hug is just a moment, but the warmth lingers on

So we can still feel it, after the other has gone

Go Ahead Tomorrow

Go ahead tomorrow, give me your best shot

Go ahead and try me, I'll show you what I got

Sometimes you knock me down, but I get back on my feet

And everybody knows that life is bitter sweet

It's not a bed of roses, there's always good and bad

Go ahead tomorrow, you could make me glad

Go ahead tomorrow, let me feel the sun

Or rain on my parade, try and spoil my fun

Whatever you bring I'm ready and waiting for you

There's so much left to give so tomorrow, cheers to you!

Falling Star

I'm a falling star that you rarely see

When I burn out, to you I cease to be

But the glow reappears time after time

And for a while I wander through your mind

I yearn for you to see me when I'm dark

For then I'll know you've seen me straight from the heart

Time

You think we'll last forever

That time is on our side

Nothing will hurt us ever

So we just let things slide

We only see in glances

As if we're passing by

We've had so many chances

But still we let it lie

I don't know much about you

Or what you hope to be

If ever we have time to

Maybe latter, we'll see